Disappointment, grief, and closure.
Hello, hello! Just like that, it’s Monday again. This is Susan Hyatt and it’s GO time.
This is the 90th episode in a series of GO mp3s to wake you up on your Monday morning and get you going.
In this episode we’re talking about disappointment, grief, and closure, and I’m sharing a personal story on how I’m navigating these difficult emotions and situations in my life right now.
Wanna read the full transcript? Here you go:
OK, folks. The title of today’s episode is “Disappointment, grief, and closure.”
As you’ve probably guessed, we’re digging into some difficult stuff this week. Difficult, but good. Because there’s always something positive that can come from life’s toughest situations. It doesn’t always feel that way in the heat of the moment—oh, don’t I know it! But it’s true.
So, a couple weeks ago, I got betrayed by someone who (I thought) was a very close friend. This particular betrayal was especially heartbreaking and shocking. It really burrowed inside of me. I tried to shake it off and shimmy onward with my life, but it was difficult. To be honest, I’m still grieving and working through it.
I won’t go into all the details, because the details aren’t the point. The point is that sometimes… life hurts.
We all experience betrayal and disappointment in our lives.
It might be a partner who breaks a sacred vow.
It might be a friend who smiles to your face—but who spews vicious rumors behind your back.
It might be a client who cancels at the last second and refuses to uphold her end of the agreement.
Disappointment comes in many flavors.
I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a “master” at “dealing with disappointment and grief.” I’ve still got plenty to learn. But when someone stabs me in the back, or breaks my heart in any way, shape, or form, here are some processes that help me to move on:
1 – HONESTY
When someone does something that upsets me, first, I need a few minutes to vent.
This means: talking it out with my husband, calling a friend, therapist, or coach, pouring my feelings into a journal, or taking a solitary walk and crying.
I need to let the feelings out in a raw, honest way. It feels sickening to keep my feelings bottled up inside. They’ve gotta come out. That’s step one.
2 – OWNERSHIP
After I’ve done my venting, journaling, and crying, then I’m ready to take ownership of the situation.
Taking ownership means asking myself, “What role—if any—did I play in creating this unpleasant situation?”
Did I ignore my intuition?
Did I overlook an important detail?
Did I say something that wasn’t entirely true because I wanted to be liked and accepted, or because I wanted to avoid conflict?
Did I lower my standards?
Did I fail to enforce my personal boundaries or business policies?
Did I make a hasty decision when I was hungry, tired, or stressed?
Did I welcome someone into my inner circle a little too quickly?
Taking ownership doesn’t mean that I’m “taking the blame.” What it means is that I’m taking an honest look at how this situation happened—so that (hopefully) I can prevent it from happening again.
3 – CLOSURE
We all crave closure. But getting closure doesn’t necessarily mean “sitting down together, hugging it out, and talking for hours and hours.”
Sometimes, getting closure is a SOLO PROJECT. It’s a feeling you can give to yourself, by yourself, even if the other person is unaware or uninvolved. You can create a feeling of closure with someone even if that person is unwilling to communicate with you, even if that person is in jail, even if that person is dead.
Again, closure is something you can give to yourself, by yourself. It doesn’t necessarily require the other person’s direct involvement.
You can create a feeling of closure anyway you want. Some people like to do a little ritual—light a candle, pound a drum, burn some sage, that kind of thing.
I’m not much of a sage gal, personally. But recently, I learned about a Hawaiian mantra for closure that goes: Ho’oponopono. It means: I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
I love this mantra. You can say those words (I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.) to feel closure after any type of disappointment. It’s a beautiful way to shift your perspective, forgive everyone involved, including yourself… and move on with your life.
Here’s how I’ve applied Ho’oponopono to my recent situation:
I love you – I love the inherent goodness that’s inside of you. Even though I don’t like how you behaved recently, I acknowledge the beauty inside of you, the light that’s inside every human being.
I’m sorry – I’m sorry for the role that I played in creating this unpleasant situation. I take full responsibility for my actions and choices.
Please forgive me – Please forgive me for anything I’ve ever done that hurt you. If I ever made you feel threatened, scared, or ashamed, I am sorry. I try to be highly aware of other people’s feelings, and I try to be thoughtful with my words and actions, but no one is perfect—myself included.
Thank you – Thank you for the role you played in my life. Thank you for the lessons you brought. Our relationship does not necessarily need to continue, but I am a wiser, stronger person because I knew you.
I always wrap up every podcast episode with a challenge for you. Something to think about, something to write about, something to try. Here’s your challenge for the week: Use the Ho’oponopono mantra… at least once.
Remember, it goes: I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
At some point this week, if you feel betrayed, hurt, or annoyed with anyone for any reason, big or small, say to yourself: I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
Just try it out. See if those words help you feel a sense of closure with that person, or with that situation. See if those words help you feel a bit lighter.
Maybe Ho’oponopono will change your life. Or… maybe not! LOL. But it’s worth a try. It’s definitely shifting things for me.
The beauty of Ho’oponopono is that you don’t need anyone else to be there. You don’t need to have a conversation with the person who hurt you. You don’t need to wait for them to recognize that what they did was wrong. You don’t need to wait for them to apologize. You don’t need to wait for anything. You can close the chapter by yourself.
Ho’oponopono is a way of creating closure by yourself, for yourself… and that is incredibly empowering. It puts YOU back in charge of your life, instead of feeling like a wounded victim.
Ho’oponopono, people! Ho’oponopono, and Hakuna matata, and Hallelujah! Haha!
Have a beautiful week. Be kind to yourself and to others. Take good care of
yourself. And remember that YOU are in charge of your life, no matter what’s going on around you. You write the next chapter. You run the show. You get to decide who gets to be part of your life and who doesn’t. You get to decide how you’ll respond to challenges, what you’ll do, and what you’ll say. You are never a helpless victim. You are always in charge.
It’s GO time.