December 12, 2021
Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest

Holiday Your Way Ft. Andrea Owen

Subscribe via iTunes, Stitcher, Google Play or RSS

What are you craving this holiday season? What do you want to say “hell yes!” to? What is a “hell no” for you?

Getting clear on what you want for YOUR holiday is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. 

In today’s episode, I’m spilling all the tea about canceling Thanksgiving (and what I did instead),  shoring up your boundaries, and creating the holiday YOU want to experience this season.  

I also welcome back to the podcast Coach and Author Andrew Owen, one of my favorite boo-berries! Andrea is a prolific bestselling author, and her latest book, Make Some Noise, a bold and unabashed guide to finding your voice, harnessing your true desires, and leading the life you really want, is PERFECT for this episode. 

Andrea deconstructs common behavior patterns that sabotage our power as women and suggests new behaviors for creating a life that truly serves our desires and needs. From unlearning the notion that women should stay quiet and take up little space to trusting your inner wisdom, Make Some Noise is a raw and honest guidebook, and, ultimately, a call to arms.

Andrea is a speaker, Life Coach, Author, and hellraiser. She is creating a global impact in women’s empowerment with her books being translated into 18 languages and available in 22 countries. Andrea helps high-achieving women maximize unshakeable confidence, and master resilience. You can learn more at andreaowen.com.
You will absolutely LOVE this conversation with Andrea.

What You’ll Learn from this Episode:

  • How to prioritize yourself this holiday.
  • How to ditch the invisible holiday workload.
  • Why Andrea is not wearing any pants during this interview. (Ha!)
  • What it means to have the courage to shine.
  • Why the orgasm gap exists and what we can do about it.

Listen to the Full Episode:

Featured on the Show:

You can find Andrea at AndreaOwen.com and purchase her latest book HERE.

Watch our Festive As F*ck Holiday Special!

Want to get paid to change lives? Get certified at The University for Life Coach Training. We have a 6-month Life Coach certification program and a Master Life Coach program. Space is limited!

If you’re running a coaching practice or service-based business and want to earn $100k and beyond, check out our ON THE SIX mastermind. Enrolling now! 

Join the GO TIME Facebook Group to connect with incredible, like-minded women and get access to lots of fun treats, challenges, and inspiration. It’s go time!

Full Episode Transcript:

Susan Hyatt:
Welcome to the Rich Coach Club, the podcast that teaches you how to build your dream coaching practice and how to significantly increase your income. If you are a coach, and if you're determined to start making more money, this show is for you. I'm master certified life coach Susan Hyatt, and I am psyched for you to join me on this journey. Hey coaches. I'm sure that you've heard that this year I canceled Thanksgiving. Yup. That's right Booberry. I just opted out of the stress and mess that I didn't want to experience. I took my booty up to Maine for a solo retreat. I thought about the holiday that I wanted to experience and decided that I wanted peace, quiet, small town vibes, and a view of the water and the mountains, nature, basically to live inside of a Hallmark movie for a week.

Susan Hyatt:
Women are conditioned to take on the entire workload of the holiday season, buying gifts, hosting, cooking, sending holiday cards, all of those festive activities that create a boatload of stress. I'm committed to erasing the invisible workload for women. And it felt like the best gift to give to myself, was to just opt out of Thanksgiving. One night in Maine I was seriously craving onion rings and a BLT from a sweet old school diner, the kind with the homemade pies on the counter and a friendly waitress ready to refill your coffee. Naturally I created what I craved and I found myself in a cozy booth inside a local diner. And as I savored the crispy salty bacon on my BLT, I overheard a conversation between a mother and her adult daughter. The mother who was around 90 years old told her adult daughter who was, y'all probably mid 60s.

Susan Hyatt:
She said with an exhausted sigh, "I'm so tired, honey. I'm just not up for hosting a house full of company this Thanksgiving, especially during COVID." I'm paraphrasing. She said more than that, but this mama was putting herself and her needs first. She was opting out. In my opinion, she is hashtag, goals. But then her daughter replied with, "Well, everyone is expecting to come and they're counting on you. And you should be grateful that all the grandkids want to spend time with you." I slammed my coffee mug on the table. I immediately peered over like a crazy person, but peered over the booth with my winter pom-pom hat swaying. You know when I hear or see injustice, I got to make a scene.

Susan Hyatt:
Bluntly, as I'm peering over the booth, I told the daughter, "Hey, your mama does not have to host the holiday. If you want a holiday gathering, you can host it yourself." And I locked eyes with the mom and she nodded and said, "True that, buttercup." I need that on a t-shirt by the way. But I'm just going to quote this awesome woman in my 2023 go time planner, because that is what it's like to smash the patriarchy and get rid of gendered expectations. Set a boundary over pie at the local diner like a pure boss. I'm obsessed. In this episode of Rich Coach Club, we're going to talk about how to shore up your boundaries and create the life that you want to experience this holiday season.

Susan Hyatt:
Before we dive into the goods, I want you to know that your goals, dreams, mood, and mental health matters. You are not going to put yourself on the back burner and get burned. Not on my watch. So what do you hope for the holiday season this year? What do you want to say, hell yes to? What's a hell no, this holiday? There's no right or wrong answers, it's whatever you want. My best advice is to first get clear on what you want for your holiday. This is about prioritizing yourself, your cravings, and your wishes. Some people adore the holidays and others would much rather curl up in silk pajamas with a cup of tea and a romance novel. It depends on the year. I toggle between the two. I actually have a third Christmas tree going up in my house today, but guess what? I'm not the one doing it. I love that shit.

Susan Hyatt:
But if it was up to me to put it up, I would be the Grinch. Some people love baking. They get such comfort and joy from the entire process. And others are much happier picking up some treats from a local bakery and spending their time on another activity. A friend of mine loves sending snail mail. Writing Christmas cards is literally one of her favorite things to do and other people dread it. So figure out what you are doing out of love and what you're doing out of obligation. Make a list of these things. What are you going to do and not do this holiday? For example, you might decide not to send Christmas cards, that just saved you four hours of writing, envelope licking, and scribbling addresses. Instead, what you really want to do is take care of your body and de-stress, so you book yourself four, one hour massages. One for each week of December. Pure bliss.

Susan Hyatt:
Will people have opinions about your decision to get a massage instead of sending Aunt Betsy a Christmas card? Yeah, of course. But when you prioritize yourself, everybody wins. The holidays are about peace and joy. The holidays are not supposed to be about women running themselves ragged in some holiday hustle Olympics. People are allowed to disagree with you and have different opinions and you are allowed to make your own decisions that prioritize your health and wellbeing. By prioritizing yourself, firmly upholding your boundaries and opting out of the invisible workload, you become a powerful role model for the next generation.

Susan Hyatt:
Listen, when I canceled Thanksgiving with my family, people were up in their feelings about it. Certain family members were in denial and others expressed their opinions loudly or in hushed whispers behind my back. But none of that matters because I know that taking this time for me will benefit myself and everyone I care about. They won't get angry, resentful, exhausted Susan gritting my teeth through Thanksgiving dinner. They'll get refreshed, calm and joyous Susan when we're all together again. Ditching the holiday activities that don't serve you can feel uncomfortable, especially if it's the first time you're making a scene. Because women are taught that our worth is holding it all together, accomplishing the entire to-do list, and handling mood management for the family.

Susan Hyatt:
Let's talk through a few things you might want to opt out of, so that you can do the holiday this year, your way. One thing you might want to opt out of is gifts. Gift buying, wrapping, delivering, it can be a nerve wracking activity. Trying to figure out what the recipient likes, creating a gift budget, waiting in long lines at the post office to ship things to distant relatives, tend to eat up a giant chunk of time. It's okay to put boundaries around gift giving and it's okay to not exchange gifts at all. This might feel uncomfortable to communicate at first, but a simple direct and loving message will do wonders. You might say something like "Hey, dear family, Christmas is all about joy and cheer. And I've decided what feels most joyous for me this year is opting out of gift giving. In lieu of gifts I'd love to spend time together, maybe a movie date, ice skating, Zoom dance party, another activity we can enjoy together."

Susan Hyatt:
Put the focus back on the intention of the holiday and your desires. And sometimes the greatest gift is no gifts at all. Another thing you might want to opt out of is holiday events. Whether you're expected to host or get invited to a soiree hosted elsewhere, if you feel pressured to host or attend, you do not have to. The holidays are about spending time with people you want to spend time with. Or like me, you may desperately need some time alone. And that is perfectly okay too. Even if you're the one who always hosts the holiday, it's okay to say no. Again, be direct and clear in your communication. Say something like "I've decided not to host Christmas at my house this year, the holidays are about joy and happiness and what feels best for me right now is to relax and rejuvenate, my version of a long winter's nap."

Susan Hyatt:
If you're worried how your family will feel about this boundary, just know that this worry is common and it's rooted in the unfair expectations society creates for women. Women are taught to consider how other people feel more than they think about how they feel. One of the best ways you can feel happy and powerful is to have a hard conversation, set and enforce boundaries, clearly conveying your needs, and standing firm in those needs is a great way to get more of what you want and smash the patriarchy. Finally, you may want to opt out of managing your family's expectations and emotions. This is a bit more complex, especially if you're known as everyone's rock. Often, women take on the burden of family emotions and dynamics.

Susan Hyatt:
If two people don't get along, we step in. Friction between your husband and kids? You smooth it out. Family drama? Handled. This can even come up when you're enforcing your own boundaries. People may dump their feelings on you about how they feel about your needs and suddenly you're apologizing and consoling them about your heart's desires. Y'all this is not okay. You do not need to be everyone's emotional dumping ground. It is not your responsibility to be the family mediator and spend hours explaining why your needs matter. They just do. If someone in your family wants you to talk to so and so and smooth things over, let them know that you're not available for that emotional labor and that you know they are powerful enough to manage this conflict themselves.

Susan Hyatt:
They may give you a shocked expression in return or whine that they need you, but you can firmly stand in your power and let them know the conversation's over and that you wish them luck handling it. I cannot stress this enough. Taking care of yourself means that you get to show up as the best possible version of yourself. Self care benefits, your mood, your health, your mindset, and everyone around you. Women have the strength, power, and grace to hold up and nurture the world. But we've got to start advocating for our own needs. This starts by conquering the holiday season. Think about what you can do to create the holiday season you crave and then get to it, boo. It's go time.

Susan Hyatt:
Okay. It's time for bragging about y'all. This is when I share community wins and I just want to share some wins from inside the Go Time Facebook group. All this week, as I'm recording this podcast episode, I've been hosting a challenge, a mini challenge, called, Festive as Fuck This and it's all about what this podcast episode is about, like claiming your own holiday, firing yourself from things that you don't want to do anymore during the holidays, creating the magic you really want to create and ditching all the rest. And so I'm just going to read through some of the wins inside the group. I assigned people yesterday the task of firing themselves from things that they don't want to do anymore. I'm just going to read a few.

Susan Hyatt:
Alexis fired herself from hosting anything this year, she says, "Some years I really enjoy it. But this year I'm hosting a glass of wine and some pajamas." Susie says she fired herself from latke making for Hanukah and was creative about it. She invited her two sons, who were home, and their adorable girlfriends to take over. I love that. Robin fired herself from all obligations on a weekend day, and she's going to go explore downtown Charleston. Lana says she fired herself from hosting the family Christmas dinner. Her daughter-in-law has eagerly volunteered and she's passing the baton. Leanne fired herself from hanging lights and got that hired out. Emily fired herself from over decorating. Susan fired herself from buying presents that she can't afford. Ambry fired herself from vacuuming.

Susan Hyatt:
We've got women, there are hundreds of comments here. Heather fired herself from worrying about everyone else's holiday. I love it. Right? There are hundreds of women inside the Go Time group, firing themselves from things that no longer serve them. I invite you to do the same. One of our participants, Juliana, got a client through the drive through during this mini challenge. I mean. Listen, there's lots of winning happening in the world. When women come together and decide that they're going to do something about the invisible workload, especially during the holiday season, miracles happen. I want you to think about that. And if you have something you want to share, join the Go Time Facebook group and let us know.

Susan Hyatt:
Okay. It's interview time y'all. It is my pleasure to welcome coach and author, Andrea Owen. Listen, Andrea is a prolific bestselling author and her latest book, "Make Some Noise" is perfect to talk about during this episode. Listen in as Andrea and I discuss, number one, why she's not wearing any pants during this interview. Number two, what it means to have the courage to shine. And number three, we talk about something called the orgasm gap. You're not going to want to miss it. Let me know what you think.

Susan Hyatt:
Welcome to the show, Andrea Owen.

Andrea Owen:
I'm back, bitches.

Susan Hyatt:
You're back, bitches. And also no pants? I am delighted to report that I saw Andrea in her panties.

Andrea Owen:
It's my first time.

Susan Hyatt:
I'm blessed. I'm blessed.

Andrea Owen:
It's my first time. It's my first date with just in my underwear, because a lot of people do this. It's a thing for people that work from home, they just do it. I'm not that way. It feels really exposed, but I was blow drying my hair. I was sweating and I'm like "No pants." And here we are.

Susan Hyatt:
I also love that Brandon will be editing this and he'll be like "I have the weirdest job ever." The people who work for me are constantly like "I have the weirdest best job ever." Because the shit that goes down at Susan Hyatt Inc.

Andrea Owen:
100%.

Susan Hyatt:
Well, I am delighted by this. Of course I love, "Make Some Noise" your latest book. Are you so proud of this latest installation?

Andrea Owen:
I am. Isn't she pretty? And also I wrote it during COVID. I had lunch with my editor and signed the contract. I think it was March 9th, which is right, and I was in Manhattan, which is when everything was sort of, people were like "What is happening?" And then I wrote the book all of 2020 and turned in my manuscript at the end of that year. I'm also proud that I did it during such an unprecedented time.

Susan Hyatt:
You pivoted during an unprecedented time.

Andrea Owen:
I did.

Susan Hyatt:
What were all the COVID buzzwords? I want to slap my own face for saying, but I remember when you were naming this.

Andrea Owen:
Yes.

Susan Hyatt:
And...

Andrea Owen:
It had a different name.

Susan Hyatt:
Yeah. It had a different name. It was, shit, it had...

Andrea Owen:
It was, "Raise Hell."

Susan Hyatt:
Oh, "Raise Hell," Raise Hell! That's right. I like "Make Some Noise."

Andrea Owen:
I like them both. Between you and me and my dog, the only people listening to this, I liked, Raise Hell better, but they wanted, a little peak behind the curtain in terms of traditional publishing, when you go that route, many times you look some of the creative control and of course it was a collaborative decision, but they preferred to have a title with no curse words at all. So that's why that was born. Because my other two books have curse words in the title.

Susan Hyatt:
Yeah. I know. I know. It's wow. Well, you know what? Shit to Stop Doing. You've got curse words all in the table of contents.

Andrea Owen:
I do.

Susan Hyatt:
Shit to Start Doing. Shit to Stop Doing. This is why I love you, because you write how you speak and how most of us speak and think. Let's talk about shining too bright. And the concern about outshining others, because this is a very common concern among many of y'all listeners. I coach many of you on this. Why did you choose to put this in the very beginning of the book?

Andrea Owen:
Yeah, it was definitely not on accident. I know that you talk a lot about taking up space and putting yourself out there and just shining your brightest self. And also I found, I did a podcast episode a couple of years ago and it just resonated with so many people. I got a lot of emails about it. I was talking about a coaching session that I had with one of my clients, and she was afraid specifically of outshining her sister. She was the oldest of three children, they were all adults, and her younger sister always struggled in her career, always struggled with her appearance and relationships.

Andrea Owen:
My client was also the oldest. So she was just killing it in her career and she had this great marriage and she felt ashamed when she was around her sister and she's like "My sister has never said anything to me, disparaging or anything that." She's like, "It's all me." And so I recorded this podcast about that. That it's not a zero sum game and you're also not wrong for feeling that way because we live in a culture that teaches us that we should put everyone else's comfort before our own. Would my client's brother have felt the same way about his sister or brother? Probably not. Probably not.

Andrea Owen:
But we grow up as to put ourselves last priority and definitely not take up space. And for sure not make others feel bad or uncomfortable for any reason. And so I framed it in that way of, yes, this is going to hold you back in your success, but I also don't want you to beat yourself up over it.

Susan Hyatt:
Right, right, right.

Andrea Owen:
You're playing by the rules basically. You're doing what you feel is going to make you safe, whether that's conscious or unconscious. That's what I wrote about in the book, is do you have that person? And sometimes it's not a particular person. Sometimes it's an entire group. We're afraid that we are going to, if we are the first person to get an advanced college degree in our family, are people going to make passive aggressive remarks like "Oh, aren't you the smarty pants, college girl?" Or, "Look at you starting your own business and breaking the bank." A lot of times people, they don't mean to be malicious and maybe it's their own insecurities, but these are all the things that are swirling around in our brain.

Andrea Owen:
Oftentimes that we don't even realize are holding us back. That's what I want people to just become really curious about is, are you doing this? And just, what would happen if you talked about it with your family? What would happen if you broke past that? What would happen if you talked about it in therapy and tried to get through those disempowering narratives that you have?

Susan Hyatt:
I love it because often when I'm working with someone on building their business and there's all this resistance to even simple things that we think are more simple like I'm going to book a photo shoot or I'm going to print business cards or I'm going to say on my personal Facebook that I am a coach and this is what I do. It's not just as simple as just push play, just print the thing. There's all the stuff going on. And often it's what our collective, like you're saying, whether it's family of origin or people we graduated from high school with, or the PTA moms, or whatever are going to think or say certain things. I love when I think about it, there's a quote I got from somewhere that said "The sun doesn't give a fuck if it blinds you, it just shines."

Susan Hyatt:
I certainly am not an unfeeling, uncaring person. I do care. I never want other people to feel poorly about themselves or compare and despair, but guess what? We can't control that. You could show up as humble, well I'm always fuck humble, but you could be as humble and as modest and as below the radar as you can, and somebody's still going to get their feelings hurt based on their own...

Andrea Owen:
They're still going to see you.

Susan Hyatt:
Yeah. Their own projections, their own whatever. Do you know that I literally, Scott Hyatt and I literally used to say, this was before I was a coach. When we were both in real estate that we just wanted to fly below the radar. We wanted to be successful, but just fly below the radar because we didn't want to make anybody uncomfortable or unhappy. So this is, can you fly below the radar was our strategy.

Andrea Owen:
I've said that before too. I didn't want to get caught up in any drama. I didn't want to be in the cross hairs of really difficult things. What if people disagree with my work? I mean, I think a lot of us do that.

Susan Hyatt:
Scott used to, he still does this somewhat, depending on the client that he was going to meet with, he would come home and switch cars and get his beat up. We have a beat up pickup. We always have had some beat up pickup for calling shit. He would come home and get the pickup and take his fancy watch off and sometimes change his shoes. I'm like. "Don't you think this is exhausting? And wouldn't it be great for people that you're working with to understand that they're working with someone who's successful because they know what they're doing." It was just like, oh my God.

Andrea Owen:
That's interesting. I've done the opposite too, where I remember when I went to my first AA meeting, people really don't know I've been sober for 10 years. I was so afraid of being, and this is so ridiculous when I think back on it, the other people in the room were just like me. I don't know what I was trying to prove, but I got on my most expensive coat, my most expensive pair of jeans and must have changed my outfit 50 times before I came up with the most casual but yet higher end casual, because I wanted people to know, look how I have my shit together. I'm not like any of you. I think it's important to figure out the ways that we try to hide, because in both of those examples, Scott's and mine, in some ways we were trying to hide who we really are.

Andrea Owen:
I was trying to hide this very hurt and, I sometimes hate the word broken but at the time I was broken, broken side of myself and he was trying to hide the successful part of himself.

Susan Hyatt:
Right. To be more, I don't know, included in the groove-

Andrea Owen:
Accepted

Susan Hyatt:
... or accepted. Right?

Andrea Owen:
Not standout. Because it's dangerous. Especially, let's talk about at women for a second. It is risky. I'm not going to say that it's not, for sure. In the book I talk about, I ask the reader to really think about what was either said explicitly or implicitly messaged to you as a child. What does it mean to be a good girl? What does it mean to be a good woman for those of us that chose to have children? What does it mean to be a good mother? Because whether you know it or not, that narrative is deciding how you show up in the world. And again, you played by the rules, you did what's safe because there's this punishment reward thing that happens in our culture. We are rewarded for doing what's, quote unquote, the right thing to do.

Andrea Owen:
There's messaging everywhere in, this is how we do things around here. For those people who are therapists, there's messaging around what a good therapist does or does not do. There's messaging around what a good realtor does or does not do. When you go up against that, you are punished, and for women we know exactly what that is. I don't even want to get into it. You've experienced it. I've experienced it, probably everyone listening to this has either experienced or seen it happen and knows that they don't want that to happen to them. I say all of that, not even really to normalize it, but just to normalize your fright, normalize your fear around it. What I'm inviting people to do in this book is just to get radically curious about it.

Susan Hyatt:
I love that radically curious and listen, don't even lie. You hope they make some noise. You want them to get curious [crosstalk 00:26:43], don't even pretend that's it, because that ain't it. You want them to fuck shit up. You want them to get mad and figure all this shit out and start making some noise, start making a scene, start making change within ourselves first obviously. And then in the world. Andrea, you don't even know this, but you're part of an episode, we're recording this separately from the rest of my episode, which is all about right now, I'm talking about Festive as Fuck. And Festive as Fuck this. The invisible workload that women absorb during the holiday time. I am the best holiday villain-

Andrea Owen:
Festive as Fuck off.

Susan Hyatt:
Yes, that's it. Fuck around and find out Christmas is basically the theme. But I'm the best holiday villain that ever was. I'm putting on Satan and being tell them all you're not coming. Tell them all it's canceled, whatever. I'm not stuffing any stockings. But I think it's perfect to have you as part of this episode because it's not just, cancel everything and fuck all y'all. It is about how can we as women come together and decide that we're going to get curious and take a look at the rules culture has taught us, that we've absorbed and start figuring out, how is it that we want to do life? What are the pieces of it that are okay with us? What are the pieces of it that aren't and change things, change society?

Andrea Owen:
Well, I want to jump in before we move forward because you bring up a good point. Of course I want people to raise hell and make noise and all of these things. And at the same time, I understand that that's a big ask for a lot of people listening. You and I, I think are naturally extroverted and have a high tolerance for risk.

Susan Hyatt:
I'm not an extrovert.

Andrea Owen:
No, that's right. You're not. Okay. Buy you are charismatic. I think charismatic people, whether they're extroverted or introverted have, we're great in sales. We have an easy time talking to people and it's these skills that many of us are born with that make it easier for us to take these risks and put ourselves out there. Not saying that it hurts any less when things go sideways. But I think there's a lot of people out there or two that are, they love the idea of making noise. They're drawn to people like you and I, but when push comes to shove, they're like, oh shit. And that's why, I ask over 250 questions in this book. I want people to learn how to coach themselves and ask themselves these difficult questions.

Andrea Owen:
I call it unlearning this cultural conditioning that we've all been handed. Because there was no other options. It's not like there was a buffet. We all drank the same Kool-Aid because that was the only beverage offer. That was it. There was nothing else. So you're doing what you're supposed to do. I want people to get, you can change behavior on a dime, but you can't necessarily learn anything. I don't know. It's hard to explain, but I want there to be some meat in the middle of this sandwich that they're doing. And that meat is the curiosity, is the asking themselves questions. Is having these big conversations with the other women in their life and the other men in their life, so that they can sustain the behaviors.

Susan Hyatt:
Totally. And it's not, even though, we talk about this for a living, I was saying this in a Facebook live this morning. It's not like this stuff doesn't happen every day. It's not like, I've changed my whole world and I walk around in a bubble where the invisible workload and the emotional burden is not on me. It's like Scott Hyatt sent me an email. I was laughing because I'm he's too scared to talk about it to my face. So he sent me an email that said, we have a family wedding this weekend and his brother and my nephew were coming, he said they were coming to, asked if they could stay with us and he said, yes, which is totally fine with me. But he emailed it to me and [crosstalk 00:30:53]. All right.

Susan Hyatt:
And so then this morning I was like, okay, so that's fine. But I think you might want to get busy on, did you tell him that room is under construction? You might want to get busy washing the sheets and fluffing the pillows.

Andrea Owen:
Do you think it just magically happens?

Susan Hyatt:
Right. The look on his face. He was like, "oh, okay." It didn't even dawn on him that there was stuff you do when people come to stay with you. Right? And so even this morning I was having to manage that. I'm not doing it, but still the managing of somebody doing it, AKA you, Scott Anthony Hyatt, get the fuck busy. If your brother sleeps on smelly sheets, I guess he sleeps on smelly sheet.

Andrea Owen:
It's not my problem.

Susan Hyatt:
Right. That's a tiny everyday example, but there's millions of ways, there's meat to chew, is my point. For all of us, every single day. And so with that, I'm always talking about the wage gap, confidence gap, entitlement gap, achievement gap. You've got something in this book, friend, an orgasm gap. What?

Andrea Owen:
Let me look at the stats.

Susan Hyatt:
Listen, it's the leisure gap. This is my latest rant, that on average men have five and a half hours of more free time per week, in heterosexual relationships than their female counterparts. I think that shit is low.

Andrea Owen:
I believe it.

Susan Hyatt:
Okay. And-

Andrea Owen:
I don't know if I ever told you the story. I think I found this stuff. My husband left his job last March. Right? When the pandemic started. It was this learning curve and we went in with eyes wide open as to how this was going to be a role reversal. We had hard conversations about the gender norms that we grew up learning and how that affects our marriage and just our relationship as a heterosexual couple. And so, I don't know, this was maybe, maybe a couple months into it. Wasn't that far into him staying home. And also we have someone that comes and cleans our house. It's not like he's got a shit ton of chores.

Andrea Owen:
I came downstairs because I work from home, you know where this is going, right? You're already laughing. He's watching Game of Thrones at 11:00 AM. I stopped in the living room. I know. Right? I would have never, I don't think I have ever, unless I was sick, watch TV during the day. Even when my kids were little and I was working hardly any hours, when I was just starting this business, unless it was a kids show, nothing for me, ever. And then another time, because he has this electric skateboard that he loves and he's like "I'm going to go drop off the kids at school. And then I'm going to go for ride at the park on my skateboard."

Andrea Owen:
I stopped him because I felt myself like, I felt the heat rising. I'm like, Andrea, because we made a promise to each other that we would not get angry at each other about something that we see that's a conflict in this role reversal, unless we talked about it with open curiosity and kindness. I said, do you feel guilty at all? I'm just curious, how do you feel about having leisure time during the day? He was like, here's what he said, he goes, "I didn't feel bad about it until I could feel the tension from you." I was like, that's interesting. It didn't even occur to him.

Susan Hyatt:
Yeah. Doesn't dawn on them to feel guilty about taking care of themselves.

Andrea Owen:
Maybe I should see if there's laundry to do. Maybe I should see if, anything, the million tasks that could be completed, but he put himself first and then didn't even dawn on him but he felt that tension. I'll tell you what. Okay. The orgasm gap. It's a woman named Laurie Mintz, M-I-N-T-Z. She coined the term orgasm gap and it refers to the disparity between cisgender men and women when it comes to the achievement of orgasm during heterosexual sex. Basically men are getting off and women aren't. Here's the data. The majority of women up to 70% do not achieve orgasm during sex with a man, while 90% of men do achieve orgasm with a woman. Okay. There's so many things, so many variables that matter to that stat.

Andrea Owen:
I think it's things like how that women and men, girls and boys grow up with very different narratives when it comes to sex, probably religious stuff. How many of us in our culture have a hard time talking about sex. Except if it's with our girlfriends, we have a hard time talking about it with our partners. This could be past trauma. I think the access to pornography has a lot to do with it, in that heterosexual men just don't know what it really is. And so my point is that-

Susan Hyatt:
Wait, that shit ain't real.

Andrea Owen:
No.

Susan Hyatt:
That right there, that doesn't feel good. She's an actress-

Andrea Owen:
[crosstalk 00:36:04] in an engine.

Susan Hyatt:
No. It is almost hysterical. Anyway. It is funny.

Andrea Owen:
But my point in the chapter is not to, we can blame all these things all day long and it's not going to actually help at all. I think a lot of it comes down to, we as women have to start digging into our sexual traumas, our sexual past. Because I'm not immune to this either. I found myself claming up, especially when I got sober, sober sex, are you kidding me? That was a whole new activity. And so it's this shame that we have to get through and it's not an easy conversation. But you go to TikTok and the amount of conversation that's happening over there about, I know I'm all over the place, but the amount of women who are turning to other women for their sexual pleasure now, because other women know.

Andrea Owen:
My question is, and especially as a mother with both, you know what, they are identifying as a boy and a girl. And from what I understand now are both heterosexual. I want them to be able to talk about sex and what works for them and what does not work for them. I want it to be just a non weird, shameful issue. That's the goal I want, not just for gen Z and gen alpha, but millennial, gen X, baby boomer women, to be able to have this conversation. Sometimes we got a lot of work to do.

Susan Hyatt:
I think we have a ton of work to do, because I think that the conversations that I have with women all the time about sex, really backs up that statistic that women are able to orgasm, but typically not with their partner, and even having an open enough relationship to talk about it, everything that you described, the sexual trauma that most women have had keeps women from really claiming a healthy sexual relationship with their own bodies, much less with someone else. It's such an interesting topic. I'm like, listen, they have more free time and they're having more orgasms and they got more money. Listen, Uh-uh (negative), we have to-

Andrea Owen:
There is a problem and the call is coming from inside the house.

Susan Hyatt:
Inside the house. It's like we going figure this out. So [inaudible 00:38:59] listening, I'm laughing thinking y'all having more orgasms, you'll be happier about shining bright.

Andrea Owen:
Yes. I don't know the data on it, but I'm going to guess that it's true.

Susan Hyatt:
The research of Susan Hyatt says, when you have have more daily orgasms. But in all honesty for people listening that are like, holy crap, I have a lot to do. I need to get myself educated on these things. I need to start making some change in my life. I'm sure many of y'all listening are like, yeah, I want more money. I want to shine bright without feeling guilty. I want more leisure time. I want more orgasms other than, yes, get this book, Make Some Noise. What do you tell people is a great next step to getting curious?

Andrea Owen:
Yeah, I think, well, and I just want before I answer that, I want to just caveat. I am not a sex educator. I'm not a sex therapist. I think that that issue can be such a deep one for people. I highly encourage you to seek out a therapist who specializes in that. I always tell people go to psychologytoday.com, you can search. It's such a great website to find a therapist. You can search by your insurance, the area you live in and their specialty, if they specialize in any particular topic. The great next step is, I always tell people to start with what's important about the way you live your life. Let's back up 10 giant steps. It's your values. As Martha Beck says, it's your North Star, finding out where is your compass pointing you to?

Andrea Owen:
Just two questions I ask people, what's important to you? Which is a huge broad question, right? Answer that however you want, what's important to you. And then the next question is, what's important about the way you live your life? I'm going to leave it at that. because I can talk about that for, I have a keynote on it. I can talk about it, but it's one of those things where you can come at it from any angle. And if you have no idea, because that happens sometimes, no idea what's important to me. No idea what's important to the way live my life. Well, think about what pisses you off. What do you want less of in your life? Because a lot of times, especially for women, that list is long. I can tell you all the things I'm irritated with. I can tell you all the people I'm irritated with. So start there and then usually you can do a 160 on it.

Susan Hyatt:
I love that advice because it is-

Andrea Owen:
180. Sorry, that was the wrong angle.

Susan Hyatt:
We got that.

Andrea Owen:
I was thinking about 360.

Susan Hyatt:
That is the place to start, because it's where are you dissatisfied and where are you constantly huffing around about? Listen, how do you want to live your life? I bet it's with more orgasms.

Andrea Owen:
Sure.

Susan Hyatt:
I bet it's with more money. Right? I mean to tell you, are we going to let these orgasms skip by us? No, we-

Andrea Owen:
So many orgasms to be had, that need to be claimed.

Susan Hyatt:
I mean, motherfuckers. Of course women are turning to other women. We got that burden too.

Andrea Owen:
We know how everything works down there. We know where things are.

Susan Hyatt:
Now we got to draw maps. Now we got to wood wig.

Andrea Owen:
Tell you a funny story about that?

Susan Hyatt:
Yes.

Andrea Owen:
When I was in high school, as far as high school boyfriends go, I hit the jackpot. My high school boyfriend was so great and we were almost 16 when we started having sex. It was real. I know that this is not everyone's experience, but for us it was an experience of exploration. We were kids basically, but it was completely consensual and it was sweet because we were in love. He knew where things were down there through exploration, through his own exploration and me telling him what was working. And so his best friend and we hung out a lot, his best friend, we were at McDonald's or something one day. And he was like, literally asked him, "What is this?" He called it a button. He's like, "What is this button?" My high school boyfriend drew him a map on a McDonald napkin.

Susan Hyatt:
I would give anything to see that illustration today.

Andrea Owen:
It was pretty good.

Susan Hyatt:
I mean-

Andrea Owen:
I was like, labia, vaginal opening, clitoris. He was like, "That right there." We were 16.

Susan Hyatt:
That's the button friend.

Andrea Owen:
I was eating my French fries. That's my man.

Susan Hyatt:
I love it. Oh my God. Shout out to Justin. Justin, you are the greatest of all time, Justin.

Andrea Owen:
He still is. He lives on a farm in Utah and he's a feminist. He's fantastic.

Susan Hyatt:
Listen, is he married?

Andrea Owen:
No, he's single. He's divorced. He has two boys.

Susan Hyatt:
Okay. We need a GoFundMe for Justin or something.

Andrea Owen:
He would love this.

Susan Hyatt:
GoFundMe for Justin.

Andrea Owen:
I'll tell him about it and see if I can put-

Susan Hyatt:
Tell him he's featured in this podcast.

Andrea Owen:
He's featured.

Susan Hyatt:
He knows the map. We could match make Justin with some deserving listener.

Andrea Owen:
I'd be so happy for them. Anyway. Thank you for having men on-

Susan Hyatt:
Right. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. This is my final question. What are you right now doing to make some noise in your own life? What's relevant for you?

Andrea Owen:
Oh my gosh. Probably the same thing that's going on. But different topic the last time I talked to you. My daughter's school, she goes to a charter school and unbeknownst to us, the principal has very different values than we do. It was this quick decision. It was a brand new school because COVID and they were in-person when nobody else was. And so I would not have made this decision had I known. More and more and more parents are becoming upset. I just yesterday wrote her an email about harassment situation. I'm not letting up. I'm just like Mm-mm (negative), no. A bunch of parents are banning together to get this, let me just say this, to make some changes.

Andrea Owen:
It's a risk, I'm putting my reputation as a community person on the risk. I absolutely talked to my daughter first before, because what if there's backlash towards her? I am making noise in that way. Speaking as a parent.

Susan Hyatt:
Good for you. Good for you. Get in there. Let him know, Andrea Owen. I know you well.

Andrea Owen:
I try really hard to be respectful and nice, but not bitchy nice, because I have that perfected. My husband always has to be like Mm-mm (negative). I'm nice. I'm nice. Not really. Not really.

Susan Hyatt:
You have to go watch the holiday trailer if you haven't seen it from my holiday movie, Andrea and the last line, listen, we are putting on a holiday movie that airs Friday night and it is a spoof. It's like Dynasty meets Hallmark, meets Murder, She Wrote.

Andrea Owen:
Who's in this? Is Robert in it?

Susan Hyatt:
No, Robert's not in it. It would be so much better if Robert were in it, let's be clear. But in the trailer that Brandon put together, I smash an ornament. There's so much that happens. You will love it. The last line I'm like, I'll show you a silent night motherfucker. It's like perfection. You have to go see it. You need to do more on TikTok.

Andrea Owen:
I'm not on TikTok. I know. I'm on TikTok. I have an account, but I don't publish anything to TikTok.

Susan Hyatt:
You need to hire a specific TikTok person and they would kill it for you.

Andrea Owen:
All right. Well, okay. I'll add that to Erin's duties. My socialist-

Susan Hyatt:
To your list.

Andrea Owen:
... person.

Susan Hyatt:
Okay. Go buy this book. Go be amazing. Thank you, Andrea. Per usual, you are a delight.

Andrea Owen:
Thanks babe.

Susan Hyatt:
I'm so happy to have known you for all these years and so [crosstalk 00:47:23] many years.

Andrea Owen:
Thank you. Thank you. And also just real quick, if anybody wants a free, because I ask 250 questions in this book, there's a free workbook. It's beautiful.

Susan Hyatt:
Yes. We want that.

Andrea Owen:
Totally free. It's 63 pages, but it's every question I ask in the book for people to actually work through it. It's at andreaowen.com/msn.

Susan Hyatt:
Yay. All right. Thank you, Andrea.

Andrea Owen:
Thanks babe. Thanks everybody.

Susan Hyatt:
All right, one more thing before you go. Sometimes women are so depleted, exhausted and caught up in this patriarchal system that we don't even know what kind of holiday we want. When you've been deprived of joy for so long, you begin to forget what joy even is. Start small. Think about joyous things you can do in 20 minutes or less. Things like enjoying a cup of tea with no distractions, cracking open that book that you've been wanting to read and diving into a chapter. Lying on your yoga mat just focusing on your breath. Creating a little hooga corner in your room, putting a cozy blanket, your favorite candles, something to read in the corner, hop on your Peloton for a 20 minute workout.

Susan Hyatt:
Choose what feels like joy and pleasure for you and give yourself some love this holiday and every day after. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Rich Coach Club podcast. I hope this episode has inspired you. Don't forget, we have the Festive as Fuck movie airing, and you're going to want to watch it. We're going to put a link in the show notes. Thanks again for listening and I'll see you next week.

 

Enjoy The Show?

XOXO,
Susan

Share

Share on facebook
Share on twitter
Share on pinterest