My teenage son, Ryan, is smart. Like, scary-smart. So when he started skipping homework assignments and getting lower grades, I did what any loving mama would do:
I started nagging and nudging him to do better.
And I don’t do anything half-assed, so obviously, I took “nudging” to Olympian levels.
- I logged into the school website to see which of his assignments were incomplete, so that I could remind (stalk) him, every night.
- I sent emails to his teachers to request extensions for late work.
- I tried to bribe him, punish him, reason with him, inspire him.
Nothing worked.
In fact, the only change was that he grew increasingly resentful of my “helpfulness,” while I grew increasingly frustrated (read: pissed and homicidal) with his lack of commitment.
And then one day, after yet another agonizing week of nagging and nudging and getting nowhere, I realized that the most loving, “helpful” thing I could do … was let him fail. Fast and hard.
If he wants to.
Now, that might sound completely cray — what kind of horrible mother would let her child fail? — but as hard as it is, it’s absolutely essential.
Because by micro-managing his schoolwork — by trying to “do high school” for him — I was preventing him from having a crucial experience:
The experience of dealing with the consequences of your actions.
Not the ‘artificial’ consequences imposed by your parents.
The real-world consequences.
With tears in my eyes, I sat my son down and told him:
“Dude! I’m worried about your grades, but I’m done nagging you to do better. That’s over. This is on you, now.
I’m here to support you — and if you want tutoring or advice or any kind of support, we can do that. But this is your responsibility, now.”
His eyes grew big and wide. He shrugged. He didn’t respond, right away. And nothing changed … right away.
But slowly, over the next few weeks, I noticed a shift. Small, but real.
He asked for a tutor.
He’s trying.
And now — no matter what his report card says — I know that my son is growing up.
He’s learning to ask for what he needs, and take responsibility for his choices.
He’s not a failure — never was, never will be — and neither is his mama.
And that’s why I’m letting my teenager flunk out of high school. If he wants to. (Which he doesn’t. Thank god.)
Because it’s the only way that both of us will grow up.
xo.
Susan
P.S. If there someone in your life who you’ve been trying to “micro-manage?” A kid, a spouse, a friend, even an employee?
What would happen if you let them experience the benefits of failure?
Could you give them that gift?
I love this. I see so many mamas struggle with the “failure” of their children. Loving this and sharing it with my peeps. xx.
So amazing, Susan. Thank you for sharing this. I don’t have kids (aaand probably won’t for a good long while, at least), but I’m imagining that it took major, major courage to do this. Go you!
Appreciate every thought, every word. Thank you for sharing.
I read this post just before I hit “send” on an email that would have put me squarely in someone else’s business.
Not my business. Not my business Not my business. (The start of me writing it a hundred (or hundred thousand) times until I get it.
I hit “delete” instead of “send.” (Whew.)
There are times when the epic fail will prevail, despite our pushing and prodding. Or maybe not.
Thanks so much for the reminder, Susan.
I’ve told my kids from early on that their grades and “success” in school is their business. If they want a partner to study with or they include me in their plan for getting things turned in, then great. But I’m not going to worry about it for them – because if I’m worrying about it for them why would they ever pick up that gauntlet?!
My 9th grade son almost failed 8th grade and his teachers really couldn’t understand my response, “well, better 8th than 12th or an expensive degree program.” He’ll figure out his priorities. Parent’s look at me like I’m crazy when I say in all honesty that I don’t give a crap about his grades.
I know my kids are smart, I know that they’re going to screw some things up along the way and I know that the consequences get bigger and bigger as they get older. They’re also in charge of choosing the kind of person they want to be and sometimes that means finding out who they don’t want to be. I’m ok with that. I love them regardless.
I agree with your approach. Given what you’ve already tried, it’s probably the kind of tough love he needs. Some day he’ll thank you for it. Some day. 🙂
Kudos to you! We had the same scenario going on and we dealt with it just like you did. If we do everything for them, how will they learn that there are consequences for everything? They learn best when they make their own mistakes and mom and dad stay out of the picture. As long as they know that we are there for them, we love them and we support them …
I am a firm believer of allowing kids to live by the consequences of their actions (or lack of). It is HARD, very hard, but it is the most loving thing you can do. Fortunately, I find with my kids that (like your son) most of them do not want to fail and will find a way to dig themselves out 🙂 However I have had to experience the the “what if” with one adult child. He continues to struggle. When they do elect failure on some level, it is a hard decision to stand back, offer support (and it takes some clearly defined boundaries and terms on your part as a parent as to what that “support” looks like) but to not bail them out. Sad, but the alternative is worse, as it benefits no one. Kuddos to you for taking the hard road! You and your son will be better for it – you are a good momma 🙂
I have my own honey badger son, Susan. And last year was an absolute scholastic nightmare for us. We did therapy, we did crying and yelling sessions, we did complete refusal to get out of the car and walk into the school (ever try to force a 120-pound teenager physically out of a car? So not pretty), we got a tutor. It all helped, a little. He ended the school year with mostly As and Bs and a lone C in the dreaded Advanced Algebra.
And then something happened this past summer. I stepped back, and he stepped up. He told me, quite seriously in one of the most adult conversations I’ve ever had with him, that he wanted to spend his last year of middle school pulling back on social activities and connection, and to prioritize organization and academics. He set himself a goal of not missing a single day (stomach flu this week blew that out of the water, but I love that he made the commitment). He has stayed on top of his homework every day, we’ve NEVER had such glowing parent-teacher conferences, and he is . . . happy.
Great post, and great parenting. You done good all the way around, girlfriend.
That is what I would want to do if I had kids, only it would make major major trust and courage and time for me to actually do it because what I *would* do would be about the opposite. I am inspired.
(Also, I know it sounds very silly, but I think I am micro-managing my dog. Letting go.)
When my son was in the 10th grade he wanted me to switch him over to a different science teacher because he didn’t like her and felt she didn’t like him. I spoke with the teacher and she told me he was sitting in the back with some “goof-offs” and didn’t pay attention in class. I told my son she was a perfectly nice person and that he would be working with a lot of people in his life that he didn’t like and that didn’t like him. Fast forward and he graduated with honors and now has two degrees, one in accounting, one in finance. He’s director of operations for a fast growing company. You can lead a horse to water……
I love your comment, Cathryn! Big congrats to you for hitting delete instead of send….don’t you just love when you can put one in the “win” column?
“Not my business” would make a great tattoo!
Susan, I admire how much courage it took for you to do this. No matter HOW well we “know” this stuff, our Mommy DNA just screams “FIX IT!” I’m sure stepping back wasn’t easy. Way to walk your talk! xo
Good for you! I went through the same thing and totally agree with your approach.
The only thing I would caution anyone else is to think it all the way through to a kid who really does “fail” and how you’re going to feel about that and how you’re going to react. It doesn’t always work out the way you hope it will. My son decided he was done with school, studied hard for a few months and took the GED at 16. My daughter did pretty much the same. I felt like they would regret not doing a lot of the typical high school things like sports and prom, but now they’re in their early 20s, happy, healthy and thriving, responsible young adults, they assure me they’re not sorry they missed any of that and point out all the negative things they didn’t have to deal with. They’re fine. It took me longer to adjust.
Ditto! My daughter heard the same thing. It’s her choice. Freedom for both of us.
It is the hardest thing as a parent to do and some times it takes them getting to college before it becomes the problem when they are out of the house and think they know it all,
but it is the answer to the problem let them feel the real world circumstances of their actions..
Susan,
I think it is great he is finally asking for what he needs.
I think parents need to Stop doing their children’s job long before high school!
I set my boys up to do homework right when they got home from school while still in the ‘School’ mode.
Then they could have fun and play.
IF they got a bad grade “IT WAS ON THEM!” I graduated from school and I was NOT about to Micro Manage them.
I DO look on the website now a days but just to see how well my youngest is doing. My oldest is long graduated himself!
IF they ever got a BAD REPORT CARD they knew the rules:
1. FIRST BAD REPORT–THEY ARE GROUNDED IN THE HOUSE.
THIS IS UNTIL THE NEXT REPORT CARD OR INTERIM COMES OUT.
2. SECOND BAD REPORT–THEY ARE GROUNDED AND THEY LOSE ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES.
THIS IS UNTIL THE NEXT REPORT CARD OR INTERIM COMES OUT. WE HAVE A REAL SIT DOWN TALK ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF SCHOOL AND THEIR FUTURE!
3. THIRD BAD REPORT–THEY ARE GROUNDED, LOSE ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES, AND THEY GET A SWAT WITH THE BELT (1 PER AGE), WE HAVE A REAL SIT DOWN TALK ABOUT THIS ISSUE, WHY THEY ARE REBELLING, AND THEY ARE TO READ AND DO A BOOK REPORT FOR ME ON THE IMPORTANCE OF GRADES, LEARNING AND THEIR FUTURE.
THIS IS UNTIL THE NEXT REPORT CARD OR INTERIM COMES OUT.
4. FOURTH BAD REPORT–THEY ARE NOT ONLY GROUNDED IN THE HOUSE, LOSE ALL ELECTRONIC DEVICES, AND THEY GET A SWAT WITH THE BELT (1 PER AGE), WE HAVE A REAL SIT DOWN TALK ABOUT THIS, THEY GET GROUNDED FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMER! I ALSO, THREATENED MILITARY SCHOOL!
YES, I AM HARSH! BUT KNOW THIS. MY KIDS WERE TRAINED HOW ‘FUN’ SCHOOL IS AND ‘LEARNING is FUN!!!’ So I really did not have a problem with my kids! They were/are (my kids are 10 yrs apart) Honor Roll, so slacking is NOT an option! YOU MUST do the level of YOUR (each child) POTENTIAL! So if that means all C then so be it! But when they just don’t do the homework, or class work there is a problem.
Now, I have to say my Step Son pushed us to the third level. Where he got a swat! He just did not care. But it went farther then school work or grades. I was NEGATIVE ATTENTION! I WILL NOT GIVE NEGATIVE ATTENTION! You want attention? You MUST do something POSITIVE!!! THEN YOU GET A POSITIVE REWARD! Not just positive grades mind you.
Trying to disrupt the routine we had since the kids were in Kindergarten!
My son dropped his one grade down, in the fourth quarter he went from an A to a D and got grounded all summer!
He never screwed off again! Later he told me he was testing me to see IF I would back up the RULES! I did! Never had a problem!
Just a thought for any mom or dad having problems with their kids. And seeing another side to allowing them to fail. I get the consequences idea. But I do NOT accept failure. I am tough my husband and kids call me the reincarnation of General George S. Patton!!! And we laugh, after they salute….Just kidding!!! But I have done DRILL SERGEANT MODE!
FYI: My children each have only ever got ONE spanking in their whole life!
My oldest actually THANKED ME FOR BEING TOUGH ON HIM!
My youngest is 16 and he almost there….manhood! That is MY JOB….not mirco managing him!
OFF MY SOAPBOX!
Please NO HATE MAIL!! IT WORKS FOR US! It MIGHT work for you, It MIGHT NOT!
But it is a plan and an option!
GOOD LUCK!
Hi Susan, I think the biggest takeaway that your son got that he won’t realize for years (maybe never) is that you trust his decisions.
okay. i get the point. but for lots of smart kids high school is a huge waste of time. maybe he should go to college instead. my son finished 9th grade, took the GED, enrolled in university just before his 16th birthday and is now finishing 2 degrees in 5 years (bs in econ and masters in business). his cronies are just starting college. it was scary but the best thing we ever did. just saying there are many options that are not the road most travelled and easier than you think.
I never even knew what my kids assignments were…and I mean from about 3rd grade on. Not my job; their job. But my friend used to require her son get straight A’s…so she re-did his homework right on through high school… He graduated with a 4.5 GPA…and promptly proceeded to flunk out of one of the best university’s in the country – before Christmas of his freshman year. Why? Because he didn’t know how to study, manage his time, ask for help, or fail just a little.
Wow. Potent. Yes, there are people in my life I try to manage in micro and not so micro ways. You’re right. The kiddo needs to fail or succeed on his own. Good one.
Thanks for sharing Susan . . . hardest thing to do as a parent . . . stay out of our kids business!!! Even with something as important as high school grades! We call it “Duct Tape Parenting” in our household, thanks to amazing author and parenting guru Vicki Hoefle. Meaning . . . the parents wear the duct tape, keeping their mouths shut and letting their extremely smart and competent kiddos figure it out for themselves!! Doesn’t mean we love them or support them any less, that we are horrible mama’s, it means we have faith in their ability to make the right choices, to ask for help, to take responsibility!!!
I have struggled with this as well. I, too, have a son who is scary smart, but whose grades started slipping. I finally told him that he would have to accept the consequences of his actions. Then I filed for divorce, and his dad started using his grades and behavior as an excuse to cut ties with him, to stop supporting him. He’s in college and I’m not doing his work or hounding him everyday, but I do still gently remind him and ask how things are going, if I can help because at this stage of the game, another failure or feeling of abandonment is not what he needs. It’s a fine line, and a painful balancing act. I’ve told him that he has to make his own choices, coached him about how to make calls or send emails for himself regarding his grades and other college matters. It’s been hard…on him and me because of how his dad has used the opportunity for our son to grow as a weapon to tear him down.
As a mom on the other side of high school, I can tell you this is the absolute best approach. We tried everything to motivate my super smart son. There was no punishment and no reward that worked. Somewhere along his junior year I realized I could be right or I could have a relationship with the young man I loved and was proud of in a million ways. He didn’t flunk, he graduated, went to college and is now successfully launched into the real world. My only regret is the years I lost trying to get him to “do better”. By the way, second born got the benefit of the more relaxed mom…
Good for you, Susan! Reading this reminded me of a Transformational Speaking Immersion where a client was so self-degrading it would have been unbelievable had we not witnessed it for 3 days – along with her absolute brilliance! So she pondered whether to do a speech on her moments of brilliance even through she was a pile of s#*#! I regret it took me 3 days to say, “I for one would have absolutely no interest in hearing that talk. I’m going to check in with the rest of the group on whether they’d be interested.” Stone silence. And she ended up with a home-run talk the next day.
Hi there Christie!
Thank you so much. It’s been a HUGE lesson and shift for me.
XO
S
Hi Kylie!
I really appreciate that. I love that even though you do not have kids, you took the time to read it and connect here.
Muah!
S
Hi Laurie!
It makes me so happy to know that this touched you.
XOXO
S
Hi Laurie!
Thanks for reaching out and letting me know.
XOXO
S
AWESOME Cathryn!
It’s hard for me too. I have to practice staying in my own business DAILY. LOL
XO
S
Thanks for the Kudos, Csilla! And, makes me feel awesome to hear that you’ve done this and it worked.
XOXO
S
Hey Stephen!
Thanks man! Yep….I’ve done everything BUT this….so it’ll be interesting to watch what happens.
XOXO
S
We are soul mates Triffany! 😉
I had to do the same thing with my son. Also scary smart. He blew off homework with the attitude that he shouldn’t HAVE to do it because he already knew the material. In the end, I had to let him drop out because there were no other options, and I needed to have him experience reality up close & personal.
After a few months, he realized that being a slacker wasn’t going to end well for him. He bucked up, did some studying and got his GED. Then he enlisted in the Army and spent his time as an infantryman with the 173rd Airborne. Did a LONG deployment to Afghanistan. Now he’s back on the street, and using his GI Bill to go to college. Allowing him to drop out of school was, IMHO, a GOOD thing, as it opened his eyes to the reality of life and how he wasn’t really prepared to face it without the proper skills.
The real lesson that kids NEED to learn is that failure isn’t a problem as long as you pick yourself back up and try again. Our schools seem too fixated on “no child left behind”, and an attitude that everyone wins, everyone get a trophy, etc. Reality isn’t like that and unless a child learns that he or she WILL fail, likely multiple times during their life, then we have done them a disservice. Learning to deal with the consequences of your actions is one of THE best skills any parent can pass on to their children.
I have been going through the exact situation. I could have written this. thanks
This post gave me goosebumps. My son is a 17 year old senior. He is also scary smart. His SAT scores are the kind that people would pay for. He hates school and especially homework. This isn’t anything new though. It’s been a battle since kindergarten. I am also a professional when it comes to nagging, bribing, motivating and downright begging. I wish that I could say I’m ready to let him fail but the idea of him not getting a high school diploma, not graduating with his friends…it devastates me. I honestly don’t know what to do with him. I’ll be praying to have the guts to do what you have done.
I did the same thing with my daughter with great results. It was such a relief when it was the tutor helping her get her schoolwork done and not her parents which had only ever caused resentment. I know it took courage, Susan. I worried a lot what others would think. One more thing to admire about you.
I don’t have kids, but it seems to me that the entire process here is important. I wonder if this approach would work from the get go…it feels like the micro-managing, pushing, etc. is a key component first…thoughts?
Hi there Terri!
I really appreciate you sharing your experience here.
I am with you….and ready to see it through….even if he elects to “fail.”
Muah!
S
Thanks Maggie!
Yes, I HAVE tried to force a 120 pound teenager out of a car. LOL Doesn’t work, eh?
I love hearing how things turned around for you guys. I am intending that I will post something similar next year! But if not, I am prepared to live this shift….and let him live his….
XOXO
S
ELizabeth!
You made me LOL about your dog comment.
Thanks for reading!
XO
S
Hey there Cheryl!
Great story!
Yep…we’ve had that request too. And I answered as you did. 🙂
I love hearing how your son has done so well for himself!
XO
S
Thank you Lynn!!
It’s absolutely the hardest thing ever for me to do.
Because I “think I know” what he should do and how to be.
Support like this is making it easier!
XO
S
Hi there Maria!
You are right to raise this point. And, trust me, I’ve mentally gone there. Ryan goes to the beat of his own drum, so I haven’t expected a miraculous transformation. But, hopefully, little by little he will find his way. And, if that looks like truly flunking out–it’s necessary for his own growth. Because the alternative is a lifetime of apron strings!
I am THRILLED that your kids are all doing so well.
XOXO
S
Freedom! Yes!
Agree Marsha!
Ahhhhh Nneka!
Thank you for that. Now I am crying again. (Good tears.)
Hey there Cynthia!
I hear you! It’s yet to be seen what the “right” path is for Ryan, and I am in no way suggesting that the traditional path is the only path (you know how I am…right?) LOL
SO cool that your son moved along at his own pace. Love it!
XO
S
Oy!
What a story.
Thank you so much Sasha! XOXOXO
Hey there Amy!
“Duct tape parenting” …. I love it!
XO
S
Thanks Nicole!!!
Mary….I honestly understand.
Ryan has had school issues since pre-K. LOL
What if it isn’t up to you to know what to do? What if you leave it up to him?
Hi Margaret!
Awesome–thank you for the comment. And, I remember you telling me this story 2 years ago. I am finally getting the message….
XOXO
S
Hey there Tim!
What an awesome story. My Ryan has a strong interest in the military–so this is a cool story!
Totally agree with you on all counts!
Really appreciate the share.
XO
S
Johanna!
It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help your son make his own way. It’s too bad that his dad is shaming and excluding him!
I really appreciate your share here!
XO
S
HI there Mary Ellen!
So happy to hear that your first born is doing so well. Sounds like you both learned a ton.
I was the youngest (third born) in my family, so I know what it’s like to benefit from parents figuring it out. LOL
XO
S
This is awesome Susan! I do not have children, but I very much appreciate the fact that you are introducing accountability in to your child’s life, no matter how hard it was for you as a parent to do so. As much as we want to make sure children do better, have more, are happier, etc than we were at their age, the best way to accomplish that is not to try to hand it all to them, but rather to allow them to find their way to those things; all the while being there to support and nurture them when they need us to.
Whether we like it or not, the “real” world is not going to be there to nag and beg and bribe our kids into performing – they will simply move on and find someone else. That is a tough lesson to learn…as an adult – which is unfortunately when some are learning it due to the lack of consequences/accountability prior to adulthood.
Kudos to you and thank you for sharing! Keep up the good work!
That’s because you are an amazing teacher, Gail!
AND….I have a blog coming out about YOU and what you have taught ME very soon.
XOXO
Hi there Corinne!
Thanks so much for your personal story and the well wishes!
XOXO
S
Good stuff … really enjoyed this and all the posts! I have a SUPER smart Senior in H.S. and can relate to all of this…. his GPA is only 2.97, but got near 30 on ACT! Since 4th grade, I simply said each day “homework done?” and the rest was on him. Each year at Parent Teacher meetings, the teachers would say “He is SO SMART, should be a straight A student, but he so well-rounded that once he decided to be passionate about something, he will soar!” I’ve been holding out for that as the Bs and Cs came, along with his smile, happy, social life grew too! Then mid way through Junior year, he decided he wants to be a Physicist and visited a local university and met with the Physics Dean (on his own, but with us standing behind him at the appointment). So, the Dean after looking over his ACT test, his math and science scores, and his GPA, says “So, explain to me how a person with your academic brilliance can only have a 2.97 GPA?” My son said with a big, proud smile, “Well, I’m more than my GPA – I believe everything is about balance, so I spend 1/3 of my time in school, 1/3 of my time eating and sleeping, and 1/3 of my time playing, hanging out and living life!” His dad and I were blushing with embarrassment when the Dean said “Hmmm, I love that – I like you, I appreciate honesty, and I think the world would be a better place if everyone lived a balanced life! You’re in!” “Here’s what I’d like to see you do your senior year … take these 6 Honors and AP College courses … because you are smart enough to still get those same grades in that same amount of time!” Then he cancelled his afternoon appointments and spent the entire day planning out Michael’s future at their university! Michael is now in all those aggressive classes his senior year, getting A’s, B’s, 1 C and will graduate in 8 weeks and getting most of his tuition paid through the Physics Department beginning 2014!!
Hi Andrew!
I think that this approach can absolutely work from the get go, as age appropriate. Intentionally making sure that kids are doing what they are capable of….like packing their own simple lunch at 8, and doing their own laundry at 12.
I was great at not worrying or micro-managing until grades took a nose dive…and then I lost my shit. LOL
Bringing myself back to center now.
Just being willing to let kids crash and burn can set us all free. Let them get in trouble. Let them feel the consequences. Let them learn who they really are… I’m still learning. Teenagers are a different beast. 😉
XO
S
Thank you so much Missy!
You are spot on.
Susan, you are absolutely doing the perfect thing for your son. I had such a sense of deja vu reading your post. I have two boys and my youngest was the same way. I am proud to say that the kid I had to bribe to read is now in a prestigous business program at the University of Az and doing great. Patience is not a strength of mine but getting him through middle school and high school allowed me to practice patience daily! Hugs…lorraine
Yes I am there too! My 10 year old daughter has been diagnosed with adhd. She is not performing well in school and since I haven’t taken the medication route (yet), I am trying the alternative route of gluten-, wheat- and precessed foods-free lifestyle.
Everyone in our house embraces it and is drinking smoothies etc. except….you guessed it, my girl. She wants to but then doens’t the next moment she sees something that she wants to have on impulse. And there I am with my late night sweated over raw crackers and what not. I slippery slide along a push and pull with her that I don’t want to be in.
I want to help her so badly, but keep having to let go. I don’t want her to develop an eating disorder because of my ideas about adhd and food.
Any advice? And has Ryan tried medication? Big hug from the Netherlands! Marjena
Great choice, Susan!
I will add one caveat! Know that your child does not have a hidden learning disability that is making his/her life far more difficult than you know. Many times, bright kids have developed coping mechanisms for what they perceive as “normal” that start failing them as the work gets harder. They can’t figure out why they can’t succeed and get frustrated.
But if you know that’s not the issue, then you’re right. Failure is one of the best gifts we can give our children.
Susan… loving this post! It’s so right on time with Fall and the theme of letting go. I was just speaking to a client yesterday about “failure” and how it leads to success. To be honest, the faster we experience failure, the faster we can experience success. XOXO Laynita
Hey LeAnne!
What an amazing story. I love it. Thanks for sharing!
XO
S
Thanks Lorraine!
I love reading that he is now in college and doing so well.
Patience….yea….I’m working on it. LOL
XO
S
This is a great approach! But…I am dealing with the smart child who chose to leave school. He’s 18 now. He didn’t get his GED and refuses to live with me or his dad. He lives with friends and just got fired from another job. Many years wasted.
Do you have any advice for those of us with Honey Badgers in training? My elementary school son is a handful and timeouts/removal from situations (I escorted him off the field when he called a teammate stupid, we left a birthday party when he hit his brother,etc,etc) don’t seem to make a dent. We’ve had him tested- no ADHD, developmental problems. He has a behavior plan in school that doesn’t seem to be working.
Anything advice for moms with children who are too young to “get” the full meaning of responsibilty? Anything you wished you had done in elementary school?
Teaching your kids they will be hit with a belt is an option I will never take.
Is it really the son who is growing up? I am glad for this mother’s first steps in to actual parenthood. Keep it up.
Dear Susan,
I can so relate to your micro-managing your son. I have a 16 year old in Grade 10 who is ADD and OCD. But you know, there comes a time when you can’t do everything for them including nagging. I still struggle letting go completely so I think you are very courageous. It’s probably what Byron Katie says – whose business is it? But so difficult to draw that line with one’s own children!
Lots of hugs
Debbie
Susan,
Thank you for sharing your story. As a former high school teacher, I give you a high five. Right on! As a mother of two boys, I give you another high five, hand you a glass of wine, a box of tissues, and suggest we watch something that allows us both to get a little sobby. 🙂
Once a kid begins to really understand the extent of your love for and trust in him, the power struggle ends. A sense of safety and freedom are the natural byproduct of that experience. To essentially communicate “You can eff this up royally, and I will love and accept you through it” is such an amazing gift. Good job, Momma!
Xo,
Kris McGuffie
Hi Susan,
Thanks for this post as it really does ring true for me. Sometimes though, some sad sometimes…the kid doesn’t kick into gear and stays in that place of floundering and underachieving. My oldest boy has been in that situation for the past few years and it worries me – a lot. Three years out of an abysmal high school performance and two failed attempts at upgrading for college has led me to believe that not only his priorities differ from mine but that I just don’t “get” him. He was diagnosed with learning disabilities after completing grade 12, which explained a lot but did nothing to help him move forward. That shiny boy who could read brilliantly prior to entering kindergarten wouldn’t even contact the learning differences/accessibility department on campus, preferring to party and sleep.
It’s about year six of watching him spin his wheels, seeing streams of similarly lack lustre friends focusing on “hanging out” rather than…pretty much anything. I’m hoping something will give him traction and the ability to move forward in life, whatever shape that might take.
Susan, I decided to do exactly the same thing for my 1 – year – old son this year. Same conversation and everything! Even told the teachers and principals that my son is on his own. If he flunks he just flunks. The difference between your story and mine is that my son IS actually flunking. First Algebra. Now English and history (and he is a sophomore). I am so scared. Please pray for him to learn and grow from this. Your friend, Summer
Whoops!!! Correction to typo: my 15 – year – old son
Hi Susan..
I have been in this same boat with my now 16 year old for years now. While I took that approach with schooling, I am now dealing with drugs and alcohol. A bit of a different subject, but I am getting to the point where I am starting to feel like doing the same thing. You want to mess up your life.. It’s YOUR life.
Do you have any magic words of wisdom ???
I heard the podcast from “How she really does it”! Great interview.
Thanks for putting your amazing energy out into the world and all that you are doing.
Well, it is official. He will not be graduating high school. I have let him fail the best I can. I haven’t been able to keep my mouth shut completely but I have backed off quite a bit. This young man, now eighteen, that scored an 1850 on his SAT is going to be a high school dropout. Tears have been shed and there will be many more on May 23rd when all of my friends are posting pictures of their children in cap and gown. I may have to leave town and turn my phone off because the devastation over this is truly “that bad”. I know I have done everything I can and that he doesn’t “gotta” graduate. He can still be a functioning member of society. I do know that things will be difficult for him though. Not having a diploma will close doors for him, the first of which is his dream of a career in Army intelligence. Letting him fail has been the hardest thing I have ever done.
“Love and Logic” You’re doing it right!
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Mary, after reading your comment regarding your son, I thought…this seems like the road I’m headed down. Yes, it’s hard, extremely hard. My daughter has had one tough sophomore year. She’s a young, smart, creative ‘non-conventional’ student. She doesn’t go with the ‘status quo’. She never has. A lot of issues have made this year extremely difficult and consequently, she’s failing core classes, yet getting A’s in other classes. She is discouraged and has all motivation to learn in a public school/home on-line setting. She always loved learning new things, and I honestly think she still does. But from my perspective, our kids are getting ‘burned out’ by the testing pressures, lack of engagement in learning, administration/teacher’s spread so thin that they can barely manage the classroom and on and on. My daughter feels like ‘nobody really cares’, courses ‘have no point’ and are a ‘waste of time’. I’ve nudged, nagged, tried to honestly encourage to no avail. She doesn’t want it and after several tearful discussion, she has just wanted to quit school, find a job, and move away. Yes, it may sound like ‘she’s not getting what she wants so her solution is to run away. But, after thinking it through, what if she is genuinely crying out for a different and better way of learning. I have thought all along, that our schools need to wake up to the reality that they are losing very bright talented kids at an earlier and earlier age and that it is not all the kids and parents fault. Though, I do know that all of us need to take responsibility for our own actions, kids included. WHAT IF ‘failure’ is the answer for your son to realize his dream of a career in Army intelligence. My daughter is talking about wanting to train military dogs for the Airforce. We’re praying her through these last weeks of school, and her grades are dropping. But, what I’m most concerned with, finally, is not her failure in school, but her heart for learning. There are a multitude of other avenues for her to continue learning and to reach her dreams and goals. Let’s help our kids, by working with them, to find those other avenues. We can’t give up on our kids. And yes, they can and will become responsible, functioning members of society, because we care. You care, Mary. Thanks for writing.
That would be great if everyone responded that way. Truth is, they don’t. My now 16 year old son doesn’t care if he fails. If I nag or punish him, he responds in the same way as when I let him fail. He refuses to put forth any effort whether it’s school work or chores. He is a freshman for the 3rd time and I finally got him a special Ed teacher (one class only). If I push, he resists. If I leave him to his own, he is content. His slack around the house falls on me (he doesn’t mind living in filth or wearing dirty clothes. Matter of fact, I’ve not wash any of his clothes all summer (neither has he), yet he wears them still. He would rather chop his hand off than to brush his teeth. Teachers are fed up and stopped trying in elementary school. I’ve hung in there longer, but fear I will be stuck with him living w/me forever. His counselor says it’s a power struggle, but offers no solutions. This makes me feel like a complete failure as a parent and human being. Some parents make it sound so simple. They say consistency is the key and act as if positive reinforcement is a universal fix. 16 years, and I’ve tried EVERY “solution” offered and have gotten really creative. He can ride the consistency train a lot longer than anyone has the patience for with no changes foreseeable. He is not dumb by any means. He actually has a good bit of depth to him and is extremely sensitive. I am considering him getting his GED, but don’t think I could tutor him successfully. Thought about military school, but his therapist (retired military), says “no”, it would be a bad choice because my son is too sensitive and the experience would be traumatic for him. Can’t homeschool because I can’t get him to do anything he should do anyways and don’t have the will to try something I already know will fail. I can’t even get him to review YouTube videos I downloaded about the GED test. He seems content with merely existing but he isn’t depressed. Anyone else ever faced this kind of situation. My two daughters do not have issues such as with my son with one in college and one graduating high school (on time) this year and already prepared for college.